Monday, June 16, 2008

Saturday, June 7, 2008

Time for the Classifieds


"Students cook & serve grandparents." AGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHhhhhhhhhhh!


Here's a frightful headline... "Cemetery residents making a comeback."


"So far, they have determined that the crash occurred when the plane struck the ground."


Waterford boy, 8, saves sister's life by using the Heimlich Maneuver. Look at his quote... "I wouldn't do it again. She's been a pain this week."


"Genetal Tso's Chicken."


Here's the amazing smashing wig sale. "A beautiful blend of Human and European hair." How self-righteous are we?!!


You know, I don't know what is going to kill her first, the french fries or the bag over her head!


"We took a young woman with severe memory loss and helped her forget she ever had it." I don't want to be insensitive, but is that hard to do?


I don't even know what this is... "Frigidaire 60-Pint Portable Dehumanizer!!" AGHHHhhhhhhh!


"We do tailoring, mammograms and shoe repair." Hey, while you're getting your mammogram, put your foot up here -- I want to look at that heel!


If you've seen that man, please call the authorities. I believe his name is Mr. Potato Head.


Here's "Camp Magic, the place for kids." That's their slogan -- "the place for kids." This is for their grand opening party. Look at the last line... Yeah, but "no children please." Keep those little bastards out of here!


Here's an example of the Separation of Church and State right here... "Ten Commandments -- Supreme Court says some OK, some not."


Carport cover. I don't think the guy who made this ad understood the definition of a carport. Look... The car does not go on top of the carport!


11 Days, 8 nights! Oh, okay...


It says, "Better hearing... Better life." Why is there a giant rat [sic] in the ad?! What does hearing have to do with a giant rat [sic]?! It doesn't make any sense!


Okay, this is a German Easter Bunny. I don't know anything about the German culture, but apparently, they like their Easter Bunny with huge boobs! I don't know why you would do that...


A Minneapolis gym class is now offered online! That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard of!!!


"Police responded to a report that two dogs (were) running along loose and attacking ducks at about 11:20 a.m. Sunday. The officer cited a resident for the loose dogs. The ducks refused medical treatment and left the area."

Friday, June 6, 2008

A Little Bit of Head Nodding To Follow

  1. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.

  2. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

  3. A day without sunshine is like, well, night.

  4. On the other hand, you have different fingers.

  5. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

  6. Back up my hard drive? How do I put it in reverse?

  7. I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

  8. When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.

  9. Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.

  10. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

  11. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

  12. He's not dead, he's electroencephalographically challenged.

  13. She's always late. Her ancestors arrived on the Juneflower.

  14. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.

  15. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.

  16. Honk if you love peace and quiet.

  17. Pardon my driving, I am reloading.

  18. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?

  19. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

  20. It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial costs and blamed it on the high cost of living.

  21. Just remember ... if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.

  22. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

  23. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.

  24. You can't have everything, where would you put it?

  25. Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's population.

  26. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

  27. The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.

  28. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.

  29. Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.

  30. Shin: A device for finding furniture.

  31. As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.

  32. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

  33. It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

  34. Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.

  35. I wished the buck stopped here, because I could sure use a few.

  36. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

George Radebugh CD Sculptures

George Radebaugh creates art by joining together recycled materials: hundreds of discarded CDs, pipes, and other miscellaneous stuff. His artwork is simply wonderful. He uses materials in ways that are innovative and unusual, and the results are fun and fascinating to see.

http://www.cdsculpture.com/Guitar.jpg

Actual questions asked of National Park Rangers

GRAND CANYON:

  • Was this man made?
  • Do you light it up at night?
  • Is the mule train air conditioned?
  • So where are the faces of the presidents?
EVERGLADES NATIONAL PARK:
  • Are the alligators real?
  • Are the baby alligators for sale?
  • Where are all the rides?
  • What time does the 2 o'clock bus leave?
MESA VERDE NATIONAL PARK:
  • Did people build this, or did Indians?
  • Why did they build the ruins so close to the road?
  • Do you know of any undiscovered ruins?
  • What did they worship in the kivas - their own made up religion?
  • Why did the Indians decide to live in Colorado?
CARLSBAD CAVERNS NATIONAL PARK:
  • How much of the cave is underground?
  • So what's in the unexplored part of the cave?
  • So what is this - just a hole in the ground?
YOSEMITE NATIONAL PARK:
  • Where are the cages for the animals?
  • What time of year do they turn on Yosemite Falls?
  • What happened to the other half of Half Dome?
YELLOWSTONE NATIONAL PARK:
  • Does Old Faithful erupt at night?
  • How do you turn it on?
  • When does the guy who turns it on get to sleep?
  • We had no trouble finding the park entrance but where are the exits?
DENALI NATIONAL PARK:
  • What's so wonderful about Wonder Lake?
  • How much does Mount McKinley weigh?
  • What time do you feed the bears?
  • How often do you mow the tundra?

Thursday, June 5, 2008

Goodies From Patient's Charts

She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was hot in bed last night.

The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

Discharge status: Alive but without my permission.

Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.

The patient refused autopsy.

The pelvic examination will be done later on the floor.

Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.

Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.

Since she can't get pregnant with her husband, I thought you might want to work her up.

She is numb from her toes down.

While in ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.

The skin was moist and dry.

Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.

Patient was alert and unresponsive.

I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.

Patient comment: "I am very much annoyed to find that you branded my boy illiterate as this is a dirty lie. I married a week before he was born."

Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

The patient lives at home with his mother, father, and pet turtle, who is presently enrolled in day care three times a week.

Exam of genitalia was completely negative except for the right foot.

When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.

The patient experienced sudden onset of severe shortness of breath with a picture of acute pulmonary oedema at home while having sex which gradually deteriorated in the emergency room.

He had a left-toe amputation one month ago. He also had a left-knee amputation last year.

The patient is a 79-year-old widow who no longer lives with her husband.

Many years ago the patient had frostbite of the right shoe.

The patient left the hospital feeling much better except for her original complaints.

A True Fighter

15:51 - A True Fighter
Current mood: uncomfortable
Category: Pets and Animals

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Isn't It True…

That No Physical Limitations Can Stop You
If You Have The Power To Fight Back & Overcome It…

Miniatures At Work.....Sort Of

This is really pretty cool....hope you like them!